Evening started great with a fantastic fillet steak from Mercadona, with all the trimmings and of course being now Friday night I could have a little drinkie or two, or three or........
I will start the rest of this off with the word “apparently”, because apparently I can't remember much else. There are little signs this morning however, the five litre bottle of Spanish classic, 60 cents a litre red wine, is now half empty, the gin has taken a real bashing and the MS looks like a shooting range for all the empty beer cans that are strewn about. Also pickles, crackers, beetroot and jalapeños chillies all over the place, must have had friends across?
Woke up at 11am and “apparently” I've got a broken big toe and the loo needs a good cleaning out.
 |
| First thing this morning |
 |
| 6 hours later |
As I have never had a hangover in my life, I feel great but the looks I'm getting from SWMBO would melt glass. She spent all morning clearing up and “apparently” had to wash the bed linen for some reason as well, and she said that if I'd worn underpants last night she would not have had to?
Actually she likes cleaning up after me, gives her a sense of purpose in life, deep down she's one of life's cleaners, likes everything neat and tidy and not in a mess, like the MS was like first thing this morning.
She then made me a cup of tea, so things must be on the turn, bless. Mind it did taste a bit funny and I noticed that our carton of rat poison had been left out.
Tricia has not been of the best of sorts lately either and is convinced she has gone down with Wilson's temperature syndrome. Honest! It's a real syndrome, look it up. She has all the symptoms, swollen ankles, headache, cold and generally feeling crap. She's not keen to go to the local doctors or hospital because she has not got something obvious like a broken arm or RSI brought on by too much domino playing. Explaining that you think you have some obscure illness and not something trivial like “theses things happen as you get older”, type of thing.
Anyroadup, she is now thinking of flying home to see her own doctor, which I guess is all right with me but I would rather she gives them a call first, God knows how long she may be there for. I'm not keen to go with her as there is bugger all to do, it's cold and we have no car. She is going to give it a couple of days and then make a decision. If I'm left here for two weeks or so, surrounded by all these Ericks I may well go ga ga, or wake up Bavarian and buy an accordion.
Today it's overcast and cool and the winds getting up a bit and the forecast is that it's going to be like this for a while yet. Good washing day though, so guess what she's doing.
Now here's a thing, Tricia is still youngish and still gets into a size ten dress so she can still wear reasonable “smalls”. The female Ericks around here unfortunately can only dream of a size ten, perhaps when they were six years old? So some of their “smalls” could be used for Zeppelin hangers, I mean lordy, lordy the knicker elastic alone could be used as the power mechanism on a medium range trebuchet. There are two Ericks at the end of our calle that are both so big that each of them can cause a partial solar eclipse, I was following the lady Erick the other day out of the site shop and when we came to turn round at the door she just couldn't do it, you know pivot on one foot and turn? She had to go in a small circle using about ten small paces.
When Mr and Mrs Erick come within their own obits, i.e. sit down together for dinner or whatever, they set up their own relativistic Einsteinian universe. I'm sure I can see beams of sunlight bending round their caravan and the other week when I inadvertently walked through their pitch, when I came out the other side, I'd gone back to last Thursday!
Some of the people on this site are really on the large size and would put Americans to shame, do nothing all day but eat, drink and get stuck in the toilets. If they have a cycle it's electric or they have these little electric chairs that buzz around the camp site at shin height, mowing everyone down with gay abandon. (Who's Gay Abandon?)
I mean I haven’t got anything against fat people, actually I have, in fact if I was in charge I'd put turnstiles on all shops and restaurants of such a size that if grossly overweight you couldn't get in. Kill two birds with one stone, what does that mean?
I mean I know all that stuff about glands and hereditary factors and of course the old faithful “big bones”. Big bones! There must be a Tyrannosaurus under all that blubber. It's a simple fact, if you eat more than your body needs, you put on weight, so it's basically gluttony and greed, and a lack of discipline. Another thing, when they go to the loo, you know for Mr “number two's”, how the hell do they wipe their bums with those short stubby arms, I mean, how do they reach? There's probably pieces of newspaper, from 1946 back there, proclaiming “VJ” day.
Bought some slippers at the market and they are so comfortable I think I'm turning old and senile. I mean bloody slippers, what's it all coming to? I'll be wearing a dressing gown to the toilets and showers next. Speaking of which, I was mentioning to SWMBO that when I'm down there first thing and cleaning my teeth, no one else is? Then it struck me, their teeth are back in the caravan in a glass. Except that the aforementioned UFO's (unusually fat objects) husband was in the toilets the other day cleaning his teeth which were in the sink at the time, not a pretty sight first thing in the morning, especially as he was using a small hand held pneumatic drill to get the sauerkraut out of the back molars. The sight of a hand bowl full of soapy water with a pair of grinning teeth floating around, as though waiting to bite into another frankfurter, lingers still as I try to get to sleep at night. Still, each to there own.
Just went for a drive to see if we can find a Repsol garage that sells replacement RPG because I'm sure we can get it for less than €14 they charge at the camp site office, also it's warm in the car. Turns out that the local garages only sell butane, as it's cheaper, €13, and burns much hotter, I might give it a go if they will do a swap with my propane bottle, both orange Repsol.
Tricia has just put her coat on to the get the washing in, it's not that cold, I think it's her Wilson's just kicking in. She's just come in and is bitterly complaining that “I didn't come all the bloody way to bloody Spain to be cold and you can leave the bloody electric fire bloody well on!”, or words to that effect. As my standing, after last nights débâcle, is a little bit precarious to say the least, I decided that cowardice was the better form of valour and readily agreed with everything she said. Actually, in other words, nothing changed there then.
Sunday 23rd January 2011.
The usual breakfast for SWMBO only she did not have it in bed and got up!
My big toe is getting blacker and at this rate I'll be completely Negroid by Wednesday.
Grey, dull and cold outside and she's just switched the heating on at 11 am in the morning, there's no way she will be going back to the UK. I think she would rather succumb to Wilson's that go back to the UK and freeze to death.
Sunderland beat Blackpool 2-1, there's even talk of Europe on Wearside. Good grief! Next year I may see my beloved team over here playing the Spanish! I've gone all giddy at the thought.
We've found a door! It's a bedroom door which came as a freebie as we never ordered it with the MS. It's always been there but we've never used it. SWMBO decided to close it to help keep the heat in, and against all common sense and physics, 'cos it's just a oversize window blind, it actually works!
It's Sunday afternoon, the dogs next door are howling because they've been left alone again, so we are going for a drive and have picked Almerimar, a small village ten miles along the coast, to visit.
 |
| The new door and "picture" fire |
No sooner had we left, it started to piss down, got colder, down to 7°C, which for us is bloody cold.
We were driving “the scenic route” and at one point I thought I had driven into West Hartlepool, what a depressing place, of course the wind and rain didn't help. To give you some idea of what Hartlepool is; if the United Kingdom had haemorrhoids, that's where you would supply a liberal amount of Preparation H. Arrived at Almerimar and it would be a nice place when the weather is better, so we might re-visit a little later in the year and take the bikes and a picnic (guess who's idea that is?)
 |
| Almerimar in the wet |
 |
| Not West Hartlepool |
We are now back and SWMBO is tucked up with a cup of nettle tea and half a Panettone cake inside her, sitting in front of the fire with the “picture” switched on, it's a log effect electric fire we she calls a picture, God help us.
Monday 24th January 2011.
It's still cold thoughbut.
Shopping at Lidl (may God keep and bless it) and then into a newly opened bizarre which quite literally had just about everything, SWMBO would be there still if I hadn't dragged her out of there.
I do not believe it! Just saw the big Erick and he's got an earring in! Honest! Heaven knows what he thinks it does for his image, I mean it's like painting a small daisy on the side of an aircraft carrier.
SWMBO has been moving the stuff around in the cupboards, why? I don't know but she gets the urge to do these things, no other urges BTW, just re-arranging cupboards. So I goes to make a nice cup of coffee last night, reaches in, pulls out coffee jar and proceeds to make a cup of English mustard. Nearly lots my nose membranes drinking it, and thank the Lord that I didn't go for the biscuits as I would have wound up with a mouthful of tea bags. Speaking of which, she has started to drink “Nettle” tea, now I can put up with Camomile and Rooibus teas, both costing the bloody earth, but nettle tea? I can get nettles bloody well everywhere and they don't cost a thing!
“It doesn’t taste of nettles, silly”. Then why the hell do you buy the damn thing then?
Now I haven’t posted many jokes lately, so here is a few I've been saving.
Some Quickies
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite. All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be
The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no ones got the balls to pull the cord.
Sometime this year, we UK taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the ec onomy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, i t will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.
( The se are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Homeowners are being warned about 4 keys that can open 73% of doors, 84% of cars, 99% of houses.
They are dar-keys, pak-keys, pie-keys and jun-keys
Doctor Visit
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice she said:
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, now a very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice, I replied:
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them.
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a €5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest, hopes and dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday!!"
The train was quite crowded, and a Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
The Tax Office decides to audit Granddad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Granddad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Granddad. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Granddad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Granddad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Granddad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
One day a 5ft 4 in Irishman entered the lift in his hotel and just as the doors were closing a big pair of Black Hands forced them open and the Biggest Black Man he had ever seen walked into the lift. Paddy couldn't believe his eyes!
He stared at the man who gently smiled back at him, then this man said in a big booming voice. :Six Feet Seven! 250 pounds! Penis twelve inches, testicles a half a pound each! 'TURNER BROWN'!
Paddy fainted! and a few minutes later he woke up with the Big Man standing over him.
'I'm Sorry' The man said, It's just that I am always asked for my vital statistics and I thought I would give them to you before you asked me!
I am 6 feet 7 inches tall, my private part is 12 inches long, my balls weigh over a half a pound each and my name is Turner Brown!
'Sweet Jesus Christ'!! Paddy said, 'I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'!!!!
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's rest room, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
"Sir," she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist... He pushed WW... Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's rest rooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure The ladies rest room was more than a rest room; it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him..
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
A lady on a cruise had bought a new hat and as it was very windy was holding on to it with both hands.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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